If there’s a menstruating woman alive that looks forward to her monthly menses, we’ve never heard of her. With the possible exception of the woman facing an unexpected pregnancy, most women would rather not have to deal with the hassle of their time of month. Whether you call it a visit from Aunt Flo, Mother Nature’s gift (yeah, right), the girl flu, surfing the crimson wave, the red badge of courage, Shark Week, the antiquated curse, or, quite simply, your period, there’s no denying that it is, at best, an inconvenience and, at worst, a week of sheer pain, misery, bloating and cravings.
Kelly Clarkson, however, isn’t mincing words when it comes to a woman’s monthly cycle. She’s calling a spade a spade and a cramp a cramp.
In a new tweet, the incredible singer, girlfriend’s girlfriend and hysterical example of womanhood makes it clear that it is her time of month. She then launches into a diatribe against “the curse.”
“It’s days like this I wanna slap Eve in the face for that damn apple,” she writes before adding the hashtags #cramps and #NotTodaySatan. Kelly continues, “I could understand if it would have been a cookie tree, but an apple tree? You couldn’t resist that shit?! Some knowledge is overrated. That’s all I’m sayin’.”
She has a point. A cookie tree, especially chewy chocolate chunk or snickerdoodle — Ooooh, or an Oreo tree — may have been a little more worth for committing original sin. Or a donut tree. But that had better be a damn good Fuji or Honeycrisp for all of the agony that inflicts most women on a monthly basis.
Of course, several of Kelly’s female fans chimed in with their own comments and commiseration, but one fella actually had the nads to weigh in on the tweet, chastising Kelly for her use of the word “shit.” He good-naturedly told the superstar, “Stop cussing. You’re supposed to be a good girl.”
Ummmm, No. 1: He must be new to the world of Kelly Clarkson, and No. 2: Well, one of Kelly’s other followers had the perfect reply. She simply said, “You try having a period.”
Of course, we know there is a small population that embraces their monthly period as a declaration of their womanhood and a sign of their fertility, and we applaud them. Hey, you do you, boo. But popular opinion seems to state that most females would rather not have to deal with the discomfort, headache, backache, cramps and general mess and inconvenience. Oy vey.
We also know there are women who would welcome a regular monthly period because that natural act of biology stands between them and the dream of pregnancy and childbirth. To those women, our hearts break, and we offer our sincerest hope and prayers that their fertility dreams do come true.
And for the rest of the women who know firsthand the agony that Kelly speaks of, we’ll race you to the bottom of a pint of Ben & Jerry’s.